Monday, May 16, 2011

Undoing the Undone

I recently have been thinking about a certain situation in my life, one that evokes a sense of shame and a deep hurt but is just as important to me just the same.  I am the type of person who if I let you in and share deeply about my life, this is a special gift because this does not happen very often.  Those who know me know I am a very, very, very, private person; I do not like to put my business out there, or to be told what to do, or how to live my life, unless I trust you completely.  However others know me as exactly the person who would write this Blog because I must admit I like to shock people just to see their reactions, and also because my Endo book encouraged me to write about what has happened to help me heal. Just when anyone thinks they know me the picture changes and I cease to be what they pinpointed me to be.  Confused yet?  Well that's ok I don't like to be pinned down as one thing or the other, I am very two sided like a coin (not two faced, two sided).  I can see everything from multiple points of views, just like most people cannot empathize with a criminal, I know that most serial killers have had traumatic childhoods, not like this is an excuse for them to kill, don't get me wrong!! But that the trauma they experienced changes them and turns them into monsters because of some monster in their lives.  Let's face it we all have monsters.

My moment as a monster occurred in 2006 when I announced I was getting engaged, my best friend at the time got very excited and immediately made it clear that she would not wear an ugly bridesmaid dress.  Innocently enough she told the whole world we were getting married before I had a chance to tell them myself.  Anyhow at one point she was very angry that I didn't ask her to be my maid of honor because I had asked one of my other best friends to be.  It blew up out of proportion with threatening voicemails made to my phone by her and harsh words exchanged. Being young at the time and very different than I am now I was torn, and I did not handle it well.  My best friend’s family was very close to me and we had known each other since we were like 8 or 9 years old so they were like my second family, I called to invite them to my wedding while insinuating that my best friend was not invited, and then switched over to the other line that my husband was on and started bad mouthing my best friend.  I don't recall all of what was said but I know it was horrible, I made comments about her being Bi-Polar and very harmful things that I never would have said had I not been angry and felt threatened by her voicemails.  Needless to say my whole conversation was recorded on the answering machine because that line pulled over into my call waiting.  I was very ashamed at this behavior on my part especially because I have family members that are Bi-Polar and lots of friends and no matter how angry I was I should not have said the things I said, especially because I truly did not mean any of them. 

It was too late the damage was done and I lost a whole family over this incident, now I know I was suffering from PMDD which meant when I got mad I would become upset more than usual over small things, lash out harsher than before and completely hang on to any and all anger.  I was impulsive and reckless and could not control my emotions around the time of my period, and with all the hormone problems I had it made me a horrible person at times. 

Now I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me because I did this, but this is a prime example of what a disease can do to your life it can take a wrecking ball and leave wreckage behind that is irreparable.  Every day I wish I had not said what I said, however at the same time I felt abandoned by a family I really loved, and I began to question how much they really loved me to not accept my apology and to realize that I had made a mistake and wasn't perfect???? But there was no undoing what had been done.

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